It has long been my contention, and the contention of any woman anywhere for that matter, that males and females have very different ways of using the bathroom. And I don't mean the obvious difference, durh. Having lived with a man my entire life (with a brief, and awesome respite for 3 out of 4 years in college plus 1 year post-college with female roommate), I am well versed in their weird bathroom habits. They lock themselves in there and create inhuman smells FOR HOURS. I hate it, and I will never, ever understand it.[You may wonder why I am suddenly talking about bathrooms--well I spend two people's worth of time in there, and now that I am pregnant again, I'm doing the job of 2.5. And at least one of those is a male, so imagine how much time I have to think about all of this while I am wasting years of my life in the can.]
Anyway...for a man, Jack is remarkably expeditious in the bathroom...when he has to poop. I strongly admire this rare quality. He likes to read something (who doesn't?) but he gets right down to business. HOWEVER, my chief complaint is that when he has to pee he can find any number of things to dilly-dally over, and then can even make the actual act of peeing into an adventure. Do I pee in the center of the bowl? How far can I swivel my hips before I pee on the rim? How many small squirts will it take to empty my bladder? Can I pee in a circle? What does the pee look like coming out of me? Can I pee on my own face?
This ritual is tortuously drawn-out...many times per day. Perhaps with our less sophisticated equipment, women aren't as prone to pee-related fantasies, but I still find this behavior ridiculously inefficient. It's doubly annoying because he still wants me around to supervise even though he's capable of going on his own--don't get me started on how this male quality persists into adulthood. I think that he has a secret goal of trying to make me jealous of his pee-prowess. To that I say, "Whatever dude, I can grow people!"
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