The spirit never ages...

(This is one of my more grumpily written lists.)

HOW I KNOW THAT I'M GETTING OLD... (or more "growned-up")

• I actually choose to eat soup (sometimes)
• I like watching birds and critters in my backyard, and may film them from time to time and then possibly force people to watch the videos
• My question for every ailment starts with "have you pooped today?" 
• My solution for every ailment, short of first aid, is hot tea (as a base...)
• I know which foods will give me gas
• At times I actually catch myself trying to avoid those foods
• The heating pad that never gets unplugged near my bed (and that I take on vacation)
• I trim other people's nails on an unsolicited basis (although never a stranger's...yet)
• I no longer like candy (but I sure still do love cookies!)
• Dan and I have those, "What is the word that means, you know...it starts with an 'a'?" conversations more often. i.e.,
• "...that show that you like, you know 'Under the Boat'?" 
• "...that place that is like...an Emergency Room-Lite, you know?  WAIT, if you know don't tell me, I want to figure it out on my own."
• "...that baseball player who's nickname was about a meal...you know, like 'Big Dinner,' but not Trudy"
• "...that guy who is not Lou Ferrigno but looks like him and is also a wrestler"
• I always know what the weather prediction for the day is, and not only do I verbally broadcast it myself to people WHO HAVE NOT ASKED, I also check maybe more than once a day to see if I was indeed disseminating correct info.  (I totally apologize when my weather report ends up being inaccurate.)
• Don't even get my started on lightning maps (future post)
• I laugh at myself instead of getting embarrassed (Oh, how I wish I could go back and teach younger-Lauren this trick...and it's not like she didn't have pllllllllenty of opportunities to practice.  I would say that I can instead teach Sydney, but she pretty much taught me, so thanks, younger-Lauren, for having such a rad kid!  You're welcome, CURRENT SELF WHO OVERSHARES!)

Swearage

Now that video games have become an integral part of everyone in this family's daily life (mine by default), there is a heightened level of supervision that I maintain to a) ensure that in-game communications are not unhealthy or gross, b) no one is being harassed (or being a harasser), and c) that I can marvel and laugh at the language shortcuts that these kids use.  Sydney is especially well versed in acronyms, to my delight.

Jack plays a lot of games with friends in the same room, so I overhear the mostly friendly pre-teen trash talk, which is in of itself nothing short of hilarious.  Sometimes, with his older friend, Dan and I hear some swearing, which is nipped in the bud...but not without my giggles.

Outside of these situations, I really don't have to correct them about using undesirable language, but occasionally it does happen, and I've chosen to let it go when it is genuinely merited.  After all, Dan could not be considered PG by any stretch of the imagination, so they understand when it's appropriate to swear.

Cut to the other night, when I noticed from downstairs that Sydney's light was still on in her room, despite it being past her bedtime.  I called up to her, asking why it was still on, and she responded that she was "getting situated for bedtime." 

A few minutes later I saw that it was still on, so I called up again, and told her that she definitely needed to turn the light OFF.  She did, and after a minute I heard her mutter to herself, "Great, now I can't see SHIT."

I ran around the corner to regale Dan with how well his teachings were taking hold.  Now whenever we turn off the lights for bed, one of us will observe that now, we cannot indeed see SHIT.

I wish I could permanently turn the lights off in the play room.

Mouth of the South

The best part about having kids is laughing at the stuff they come up with.  I love the mispronunciations most because I still to-this-day have problems with it.  I will correct grammar, I will correct behavior, but the nuances of pronunciation?  NEVER.

• Tangerine=tambourine
• Wardrobe=bathrobe
• Bathetism=baptism
• Yogrit=yogurt
• Hubbo=HBO

CV

Seriously considering updating my resume to read "Professional Frisbee Thrower."

This dog is indefatigable.

In the Ghettoblaster

Jack often messages me, using google chat, either from his computer in his room or from his tablet when he's at school.

His messages are endlessly hilarious and usually start with, "Mom, this is Jack" end with "I love you."

He is also an avid peruser of amazon.com and will send me links to things that he is thinking of buying with his own money which I keep for him in the Bank of Mom.  The latest is a battery powered pocket radio, because he "really enjoys listening to different things on the radio."  It's funny how even though you know someone extremely well, they still surprise you.  For instance, I know that Jack will probably:

• lose this small radio
• take it to school and have it confiscated or stolen
• drop it and break it
• use it around the house and drive various people bonkers (but it's better than whistling!)

Despite my parental reservations, I still bought him the damn radio because that kid is the best that a mom could hope for.  Also we have Amazon Prime.

Hoffice

Working from home is one of those things that sounds amazing, and then when you do it for awhile, it loses a lot of its sparkle.  Like eating brownie batter...as a kid I fantasized about being able to sit and eat the whole bowl of raw, gooey batter.  I couldn't WAIT to be a "grown-up" and do it.  And when I was finally financially independent enough to have both transportation to the store, access to a stove, and zero supervision, I did just that.  I didn't even make it halfway through the bowl before the regret set in.  See, in my greedy zeal to accomplish this lifelong goal, I had destroyed what was inherently beautiful about it: you really only need a spoonful, and only every once and awhile.  Too much brownie batter makes you start to hate brownie batter (and yourself).

Working from home is best done SOMETIMES, in moderation.  I have been doing it for the past 10 years.  I'm actually pretty impressed with myself that I have been able to maintain...

1. sanity
2. a relative amount of hygiene
3. the ability to spell hygiene correctly on the first try
4. employment
5. relationships with other humans

It's hard to make yourself get into the shower (and pants) when you KNOW that you aren't going to have to see or talk to anyone but the dog (who is also un-bathed and pants-less) pretty much for the next 8 hours.  Unless the FedEx guy comes.  And he's used to my work-from home uniform.

(HUGE ASIDE: Along the lines of taking something I love and over-doing it until I reach the highest levels of self-loathing, is my commitment to my uniform.  The uniform has changed over the years, but I have a habit of finding something that I love to wear and doing just that, but almost everyday.  In high school my friends teased me about this constantly, but I refused to change, literally, and they just came to accept it.  It was so predictable, in fact, that they made me a get-well card after I got my wisdom teeth removed, and on the front was a very accurate caricature of me, wearing my "uniform."  I still have most of it actually, and I still love it.)

Anyway, this post is starting to sound contrary to point number 1 above, so I'll get to my point.  Working from home can get really, REALLY boring.  Not only are you doing a job which requires several things that are difficult to do (sit still, IN THE SAME SEAT, FOR HOURS, focus, and not talk to everyone instead of actually doing your job), but I have to do it alone!  This part is actually the crux of why I am good at working from home, there is no one to annoy or distract except myself and the dog, and she hasn't cracked yet.

When your world is this tiny each day, you have to find things that make it seem moderately exciting so that you don't go insane.  My "office" is a room on the front of the house so that I can focus my nosiness on the cul-du-sac that I live on.  I know everyone's schedule and I play this game with myself where I guess whose car is coming down the street based on the sound.  YES, you read that right.  This is a sure sign that I am spending way too much time alone with a dog.

There are other games and challenges that I give myself to keep things interesting, this is just the one that I caught myself doing today.  SEE HOW EXCITING MY DAYS ARE?