Welcome to my uterus

So a popular question, now that Sydney is nearing the four-years-without-a-murder age, seems to be "Are you going to have another one?" It's extremely difficult to resist remarking that there can really only be ONE Satan.

As much as I love these two children, I feel like they successfully utilize all of my patience and physical ability to withstand "sturbis" tickling while I'm trying to issue serious parental edicts.  I've been advised to take all sorts of precautions, but unfortunately for me (and everyone who comes into contact with me on a regular basis), any hormone-related methods turn me into a velociraptor.

So here I am with ONLY TWO KIDS, and an unsuppressible urge to over-share.  I know that no one ever wants to hear about how horrible it is to have a uterus...so allow me to TIE YOU TO A CHAIR AND EXPLAIN.

Sometimes it makes you:

• Feel that, despite physical evidence to the contrary, you weigh 400-ish lbs.
• Feel like you cannot possibly cram enough calories into your body.
• Unintentionally cry on the phone, WITH YOUR BOSS.
• Feel that you could definitely beat the living tar out of Erin Andrews (and probably should, in order to save anyone with ears from listening to her speak).
• Entertain every sad thought you've ever had. (Remember those dogs you had that died?  HOW ABOUT YOUR GRANDMOTHER?)
• Yearn for pet ducks.  Or maybe guinea pigs.  Or a bunny.  BUNNEHS!
• Convince yourself that the weird cramping sensations that you've experienced approximately 246 times in your life probably mean that you're experiencing an ectopic pregnancy...oh GOD.
• Feel sorry for Solange Knowles because her big sister convinced the world that she actually grew a baby in her own uterus.
• Feel sorry for yourself for being a conspiracy theorist.
• Mentally calculate how much money you've spent on heating pads, tampons, Advil, replacement underwear, Gatorade and pregnancy tests.  Probably millions.

Grrrr Atttitude Problem

You know you have kids when you are grateful...

• that when you sat down on the downstairs toilet there wasn't any stray splatter on the seat.
• that you don't have to feed the dogs because no one finished their dinner.
• that the diaper that got washed with everyone's clothes only was wet, not muddy.
• that they serve beer at Chuck E Cheese's.
• that you got the leather interior in your car, which conveniently resists chewing gum and melted fruit snacks.
• that you have a proven track record of patience and wisdom enabling you to deal with the difficult...people at work.
• that you got sick on the weekend and not during the week.
• that they deliver pizza.

Exile in Guyville

It's been forever.  I know.  I KNOW!  The past year has been a doozy, for lots of reasons, and I honestly didn't think that sharing them would be productive or healthy, or, in some cases, entirely legal.

Now, however, I am feeling the pull of a beautiful spring about to spring (albeit LATE) and I'm trying to breathe some life into my poor, dry, brittle blog.

I'm the kind of person who enjoys being excited...for our purposes, I mean this in a PG way.  My children have both inherited this trait...you can see it in the flapping of their baby bird wings whenever something has the prospect of being exciting; a new movie to watch, baby birds in the birdhouse, having lunch out in the backyard, EASTER CANDY!

It usually makes me so happy to write about my family, my life, and the things that made me laugh, but it became a struggle to find things that I was enthusiastic about there for awhile.  Life can be draining, and even someone who considers themselves to be an optimist is not immune from what Dan and I have started to call "Lifesuck."

Lifesuck can be a literal emotion (life is sucking), a noun (much like the tide, the Lifesuck makes you want to stay in bed, or shave your head a la Britney Spears), or a verb (this four-hour parent-teacher conference LIFESUCKS.).

We've come up with several ways to combat the dreaded Lifesuck, and here is what we have so far:

• Bourbon!
• Bad Jokes (What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? ...Feyoncè!)
• Exercise (you've got to run, run like the wind, to be free again)
• Bourbon!
• Baking cookies
• Good books
• Bad books
• Bourbon!
• Date nights
• Kissing sleeping children
• Hugs from my parents
• Crying in the shower (environmentally friendly in that you don't need tissues!)
• Looking at pictures of bunnies on the internet

Please feel free to add to this list.  It's a living document that I'm sure we will rely on for the next 14 years or so.