I am charmed...

When you tell me that you could watch me laugh for hours. (It did not escape my attention that you used the word "watch" and not "listen.")

When you let my entire family come to your house and stay for DAYS and never complain once about our crap all over the place or how much food (and alcohol) we consume.

When you ride behind me on a four-wheeler, even though I JUST learned how to drive, and don't scream in my ear even once.

When you humor me and participate in my funniest-swear-word-making contest, and even let me win...Dicknose.

When you make jokes about certain body-parts that you had removed like it's no big deal.

When you offer me a chubby, sweet-tasting cheek everytime I use the word "kiss," even if it's not in the context of me offering you one. (As in: You can kiss my ass if you think I'm going to do these dishes. Mwa!)

When you make a Barbie fingernail-polish-digital-printer! It prints on your nails!!! Bravo Mattel!!!

When you disregard my blatant (and sometimes confusing) overuse of quotation marks...it makes me "feel" terrific.

I Got Parole, Bitch!

Recently Sydney has taken a brief hiatus from her endeavor towards becoming the world's smallest eating champion in order to learn how to scale furniture. See, up until now we had been using the furniture as a make-shift fence to trap her into a corner of our family room. In the last few days she has come to the realization that she is tall enough and strong enough to scale said furniture and escape into the wild that is the rest of our house. (I should have bought electrified furniture. So dumb.)

Her situation is not unlike that of a life-long felon who has recently been released from prison. Instead of immediately finding the nearest whore house, she makes a bee-line straight towards our trashcan. Instead of hitting up an old dealer or bookie, she compulsively sprints to the dog's food bowls. I am like her parole officer...jaded, disillusioned, and wishing I was drunk. I chase her around fruitlessly, trying to make her see the error of her ways, threatening her with re-incarceration, but she takes no heed. She merely laughs like a maniac (a maniac who is totally jacked-up on dog kibble). She's an outlaw alright. Didn't you know? The recidivism rate among 14-month old convicts is staggering. If you see one, RUN.

Overheard

Dan, changing Sydney's diaper: "Keep your hands off of your lady parts!"

Dan, trying to feed both children: "This is becoming less fun for me!"

Jack, over Sydney's screeching: "Do you want to keep this baby?"

Jack, sniffling: "This booger is like a giant like a T-Rex in my nose."

Co-worker, on being proselytized to at work: "He's a great guy, but he is jacked up on Jesus."

The numbers game

Today's version:

• 4.5 = gallons of Sydney's bath water that I am currently wearing.
  
• 16 = baby wipes that Sydney pulled out of the container when I wasn't looking.
  
• 5 = times I had to ask Jack to please stop singing.
  
• 2.5 = hours until all children in this house are asleep.
  
• 2 = animals that will still be awake and requiring attention.
  
• 163 = times I have thought about having more children and then kicked myself...HARD
  
• 0 = times I have reconsidered my crush on Robert Pattinson

Curious Lists

Another fun one:

Justifications for Walking Backwards
(listed in order of least-to-most embarrassing)

• You're encouraging a small child/dog to follow
  
• You're dragging a heavy suitcase
  
• You're walking in front of Jack, who has a penchant for "small hiney pinches" (small qualifying the size of the pinch, not the hiney--he's an equal opportunity pincher)
  
• For a glute workout
  
• You split your pants
  
• You split your pants while wearing cutesy, ice-cream scoop underwear
  
• You split your pants while wearing no underwear at all
  
• Your head is on backwards
  

So Many Words

Sydney is becoming more adept at communicating. While her caveman-style grunts and screeches have sufficed up to this point, we're starting to put our collective feet down about her moaning and groaning and forcing her to try to verbalize or use her sign language. It is working well as she is nearly in a constant state of needing and/or wanting something, so she's developing quite a vocabulary for a (parrot-like) 13-month old.

WORDS/EXCLAMATIONS

• This
  
• Jack
  
• Dog
  
• Mama
  
• Dada
  
• DON'T TOUCH (I suspect she thinks that the electrical outlets are called "don't touch." That's the only time she says it: while excitedly groping them.)
  
• Nononono
  
• Uh Oh
  
• Whassat?
  
• Woof
  
• More
  
• Bye-bye
  

SIGNS (usually accompanied by screeching)

• Eat
  
• More
  
• Drink
  
• Please
  
• Done
  
• Down
  
• Kiss
  

Overheard

Jack, wearing an outfit consisting of entirely navy blue: I am a, wait, am I? Yes, I am a black man!

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Jack, watching the baby eat: She looks like a snake swallowing a mouse!