I am delighted...

When you tip your hat to me as I am walking past, causing your wife to jab you in the ribs.

When you struggle but manage to pronounce my name correctly, even though your grasp on English is tenuous at best.

When you acknowledge my severe impatience problem, and reply to my emails with lightening speed just to make me happy.

When you assure me that you too are having a 1/3 life crisis.

When you help me clean up broken glass in the garage at 11:30pm because people are stupid...even in their 30s.

When you exclaim upon seeing me after a few months away that I look "lean," causing me to categorize this as one of my favorite compliments.

When you are legitimately convinced that Chelsea Handler will undoubtedly hear my laughter over a crowd of thousands and make fun of me.

When you bring your parents to the movies and I am so smitten with them that I want to put them in my purse and take them home with me.

Fat and Annoying

Sydney is getting...girthy. Her enthusiasm for consuming food is unmatched. UNMATCHED, PEOPLE. She will eat 99% of the foods she is offered, and never tires of packing her little face. This is a quality I greatly appreciate in a child (and a friend). All of this gorging gives her boundless energy, and although she is quite rotund, her skinny arms and legs propel her around my house like a pudgy bullet.

We went out to eat last weekend, and Sydney was ecstatic to be fed both her baby food bits and bits of all of our lunches. She couldn't decide what to focus on in her delighted greed, so she filled both of her fat fists with bits of chicken and bread, and then proceeded to lean down and goose peck (with alarming accuracy) cheerios off of the table with her little lips. Dan and I had to scoot back from the table to laugh. Needless to say, I no longer wear mascara to meals with this child.

She is also disconcertingly preceptive and is quickly learning how to manipulate all of the members of this house...even the dogs. She knows that she can sneak them anything she doesn't want (which isn't much) at the table, and that they will lick her fingers clean should they invariably get covered in cereal and/or mashed vegetables. It has taken her 10 short months to learn that Mommy will laugh at anything, even if you are in the midst of getting in trouble. (I myself am impressed that I managed to hide this fact from her for 10 months.) She likes to pinch me to see how mad I will get, and even tucks her little lips in to make her mouth into a determined line as she tries to sneak those tiny fingers in for a nasty tweak. I have had to resort to pinching her back to get her to stop. I can assure you that she does this deliberately to annoy me--so she fits right in in this crowd.

Overheard

Jack: Um, I think you need to buy me this toy that is on TV.

Me: Um, no.

Jack, in his Mom voice: If you do-on't, I will be VERY angry.

Me, non-plussed: Oh really?

Jack, whispering: Well, maybe just a little angry.


-------------------------

Dan: Jack! We're going to the store. Come on.

Jack, reaching for a small tote: OK! Let me just grab my purse.

Dan, muttering: Jesus. That's not even a purse.

Jack: OK...HANDBAG.

Threats

Me:  Jack, I will knock you into Dimension X if you do not stop pulling on the blinds.
Jack:  Nooooooooo!

Dan:  Jack, I will hang you by your toes in the woods if you do not finish your dinner.
Jack:  Nooooooooo!

Me:  Jack, I will have 10 more babies if you do not stop banging on the wall.
Jack:  Nooooooooo!

Me: Jack, I will atomize all of the cheese on this planet if you do not stop playing with the toilet seat.
Jack: Noooooooooo!

Jack:  Dinah, I will wrap you in spaghetti if you don't get off of my feet.
Dinah:  *leap*

Curious Lists

Another one from the best time-wasting book ever.

Working Titles for a Screenplay About George Washington's Space Adventures

"The British Are Orbiting!"

"Georgie Wash--Space Surveyor"

"Patriot of the Cosmos"

"First in War, First in Peace, Last in Space"

"Conquering the Void of Freedom"

"Nature Abhors a Truth Vacuum, or 'I Cannot Tell A Lie...Intergalactic or Not!'"

"I Left My Wooden Teeth on Mars"

I don't feel the same when I am away from your smile...

Happy Birthday woman, and thank you for the following fond memories of my childhood:

• When we would hold hands, and you would pull yours away far enough to tickle my palm with your thumb.
  
• Letting us watch Victor Victoria ad nauseum.
  
• 31 Birthday cakes: shaped like tic-tac-toe boards, with licorice and icing balloons, and probably at least 13 plain white ones made with egg whites only, with white frosting.
  
• Letting me drive to the Olney Shopper's Food Warehouse in your fast car, on my learner's permit, through all of the road-work, clutching the Jesus-strap the entire way.
  
• Letting me watch MTV while you ironed. (Now that I have to iron, there is no way I'd let someone else choose the programming while I perform that chore.)
  
• Lifting me out into the backyard through the kitchen window in my bright pink turtleneck.
  
• Not getting mad at me when you came home early from a Jimmy Buffet concert to find me and my boyfriend making out in my bed; instead you simply said, "Get him out of here before your father sees."
  
• After a fight, driving me around so we could talk it out, and not going home until we were both happy again.
  
• Telling me, "I hope that you have a daughter that is just like you," and meaning it for the good reasons.
  
• Teaching me to swim.
  
• My wonderful wedding (especially the part when you covered Scott B. in sparkles).
  
• Making fence-tents in the backyard with old tablecloths.
  
• The singing and dancing, all of the time, which I've never stopped doing.
  

If anyone wants to know where my heart is, tell everyone that it's wrapped around yours. (Song for Susan; Nash, Graham)

Admit It

Until today I did not know that "hair-suit" was not the correct spelling.

Don't dream it's over

As we were driving to my Mom's house yesterday afternoon, Jack remarked, "The clouds hold your dreams, you know."

I was really struck by that image. I looked up at the sky: the big, floaty, clean, and sun-dappled clouds sitting contentedly in the blue abyss really did seem to hold the promise of something unexpected, and also the innocent assurance that there would be many more endless, sunny, cloud-dimpled skies to canopy our wonderful life.

"That is great Jack!" I exclaimed, marveling in his poetic imagination.

"Great, now there are two of you," Dan muttered.

I am enchanted...

When you interrupt me at work to show me your adorable dirt tan.

When you invite me to make fun of your golf SADDLE SHOES.

When you give my name to reporters, resulting in me being interviewed, which is a secret bedtime fantasy of mine.

When you bring over ALL of your nail-polish on a Wednesday night.

When you turn the usually gruff and serious man behind the deli counter into a bubbling mass of baby-goo with your dimpled smile.

When you make a Star Trek video to Ke$ha's "Tik Tok."

When you still encourage me the way you did when I was 12.

When you ask me why I have been laying in your bed with you so long, and then whisper as I go that you really liked it.

When you continue our conversation in completely serious tones even though I am twirling in my office chair. (I really was listening.)

When you drive 300+ miles to visit and insist we stay up until 3am playing board games and drinking everything in the house.

What she really means

Sydney can't talk...yet. After our experiences with Jack, we are making a point to enjoy this while it lasts. Somehow though, she always seems to get her point across, no matter what type of noises and/or gestures she uses. For example, here are some things that she "said" to me yesterday:

"You are RUINING bathtime!"

"No, I DO NOT WANT to sit down. Standing only from now on!"

"I am going to need 7 more sips of your iced tea."

"I really like dog feet!"

"Wiping my hands and face is totally unnecessary, you evil woman!"

"These matchbox cars are delicious!"

"I am not tired, and I am NOT READY FOR BED! DON'T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL!?"

"Where is Jack? He will fix this. JACK? WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Less talking, MORE DANCING!"

Overheard

(This seriously made me chomp my face in an effort not to laugh.)

Child: I'm so relieved! I just passed my background check to start ______.

Mother: What were you worried about?

Child: Horrible thing A and B!

(Long pause)

Mother, in a small voice: I didn't know about either of those things.

Child: And you guys think I can't keep secrets. Ha!