Mystery #1
For instance, whenever they see me CALMLY WALKING AROUND MY HOUSE they widen their eyes and yell, "AGHHHHHHHHHHH! Why are you chasing me agaaaaaaain!?" and scamper into other rooms. I would like to sit them down and explain that no, I am not into chasing cats, also, that they are running into a room that doesn't have an exit, so if I WAS chasing them, I would win. I would also like to explain to them that as a human, I often walk from room to room, to perform activities like peeing or eating (SEPARATE ROOMS) and I really don't give a shit that they saw me doing this or inferred in their extremely self-absorbed kitty brains that I was going to try to catch them.
I was trying to imagine where this ludicrous behavior stems from...as a species were cats hunted by long-legged, pale, hairless creatures? Is this fear ingrained in their DNA? I can't think of any logical reason for this. Conclusion: Cats are aliens.
Mystery #2
These kittens also like to sleep IN MY WAY. When I lay down to sleep, I don't want to be stepped on, scooted, woken up or plopped down off of my bed. So it's really hard to wrap my mind around why the best place for a nap would be between someone and their keyboard? This makes no sense to me. It hopefully also explains why several people received instant messages from me that read only "000000000000000000000000000."
Someone suggested that perhaps it is warm there? But no, my PC is below my desk, creating a warm area on a soft carpet that is OUT OF THE WAY. If I were a cat, I would curl up right there and sleep UNINTERRUPTED FOR HOURS. I honestly fear for these poor animals...this must be why they spend their entire lives confined to a house: otherwise they'd curl up on a nice interstate for a snooze. Conclusion: Cat's are so narcissistic that they want you to observe and admire them (and drive around them) even as they sleep.
Mystery #3
Cats must be an old species. Like, surviving-the-flood-old. Why else do they need to be at the TOP of EVERYTHING? These kittens climb their way to the most precarious perches, knocking things over and often falling in the process. Do they have some latent monkey genes in there? They're certainly not SNEAKING up to the top of my bookshelf as they scrabble at each shelf and jangle all of the items on that shelf. I often have to help them to the top, where they sit and look down at me with disdain. I want to tell them, "Throw me all of the attitude you want you idiots, I'm fine down here: I CAN SWIM." Conclusion: Cats don't understand what sea level is.
Mystery #4
Endless grooming. Why do you need to lick yourself (and others) all day long? You live in my house which is (relatively) clean, and it's not like you are doing anything other than sleeping on my desk, so where do you imagine you are collecting all of this mystery dirt? Frankly, you smelled and looked better before you licked all of your fur into a shiny Guido mess, and then gagged. Conclusion: For creatures who are so self-obsessed, they really need to look in mirrors more often.
Mystery #5
There are a lot of really rad things about cats...they're so very soft, so very squishy, and I love the purring noises. They look like jungle animals and are amazing athletes. What I don't understand, however, is this contention that cats are smarter or more superior than dogs. I feel that each species has it's issues and probably they would come out even on some sort of species-specific intelligence test...probably with equally low scores. Conclusion: People who subscribe to cat favoritism are also aliens (which also explains why they talk in funny voices when communicating with their kitty-witty-cayuts).
I can answer some of these mysteries.
ReplyDelete#1: I can't see their faces so can't be sure, but it could be that it's just fun to pretend there is some sort of danger they must escape. But most likely it is that they are weirded out by being in a new place. You may not think you are being unpredictable but they think you are, so they just want to be out of the way.
#2: You have basically hit this on the head. Cats lay down on your newspaper, keyboard, text book, or whatever you happen to be focused on because they want your attention.
#3: It's fun. When you were a kid, didn't you ever try to get from one side of the room to the other without touching the floor?
#4: They go in a box of sandy dirt to do their business. I'd feel like bathing after that too. Consider yourself fortunate that these aren't indoor/outdoor cats because then they would engage in a never-ending cycle of going outside, rolling in dirt, coming inside to groom, then repeating.
#5: I've never heard this theory. I thought the only individuals who believe cats are smarter than dogs are the cats themselves. They think because they are not obedient and dogs are, that they must be smarter.
These cats are clearly trying to flag your Internet addiction, because they care, as well as warn you about your strange propensity for walking upright. You could fall down! On one or both of them!
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