Biology Lessons

(all from Jack if that isn't immediately obvious)

"Mom, did you know that cows pee milk?"

"Sydney has a penis...it's just hiding in her body."

"Dogs can poop outside because they have furry hineys, so they won't get cold. It is too cold for me to poop outside."

"Tomatos are red potatoes."

"This vitamin makes me act crazy...seriously, it's not me."

"I just tooted without making any noise!"

Please Sir, can I have some more?

So if you haven't already surmised by my lack of posting, the past 4 weeks have really kicked my ass. Not my butt, my ASS. Yes, internet, I am swearing!

Between the holidays, insane work, sick children, and enough household chores to overwhelm an army of maids, I was literally just trying to stay afloat in my own life. What I really need are some inflatable Life water-wings. Maybe ones that come with a cocktail holder?

In the midst of all of this...surviving, the baby is continuing her mission to become the cutest, baldest, naughtiest eating champion of the world. I'm pretty sure that she holds the number one position with that. She's also considerably augmented her vocabulary, although she calls all dogs "DINAH!!!" and now tells me "YES!" and "Noooooo" which can be helpful at times, but can also be very confusing, because she likes to trick people. (I wonder where she gets that from!?)

Jack's 5th birthday is quickly approaching, and I can't believe that I have a man-child that old. He is Mr. Superlative lately, announcing that everything is either the WORST, or (sweet smile) the best! We hear a lot of fart noises and jokes, most of which don't quite make sense yet, but still make us laugh a lot, because hey, we too are idiots. It's hard to temper the laughing with the parenting, but we're managing so far (although maybe not if you talk to my mother).

I am delighted

When you scornfully make fun of me for wearing fake eyelashes and I get to say, "THESE ARE MY REAL EYELASHES BITCH! In yo face!"

When you scrape my windshield for me at 12:30am.

When you tell yourself knock-knock jokes and then laugh hysterically for 10 minutes.

When you call Dan "Bananaface."

When you instantly forgive me for punching your car in the face with my car.

When you move home from SC and I am already looking forward to 2011 with you here.

When my 9th grade best friend comes to visit me after 10 years and it's exactly like it was in 1993; neither of us has changed.

When you send me pictures of your lunch.

Notes to self (or Resolutions I)

• Turn the bathroom light on before you put on your makeup. The "flattering, natural light" of your bathroom does not occur anywhere else in the outside world. You need to wear more.
  
  
• Stop believing that THIS will be the time that the ice-dispenser does not shoot ice-shards all over the floor/your bare feet. It isn't, no matter how snugly you hold your cup against the dispensing tube. Open the freakin' door to get your ice.
  
  
• Stop muttering, "Someone blah blah blah" while cleaning up other people's messes. You sound like an old woman. The people you live with are little pigs. Deal with it.
  
  
• Stop shrieking when you see a silverfish. They are harmless, despite the fact that they look like creepy, Pan's-Labyrinth, made-of-devil-dust creatures...that move to fast for human eyes...and magically reproduce...*gag*
  
  
• Take the Pearl Jam off of your iPod already and quit moaning every time one of their songs comes on...YOUR iPOD.
  
  
• Stop telling the story about how you had food poisoning in college...too many people have heard that already. You're getting an unfortunate reputation.
  
  
• Limit your use of the word "legit." I know that it's fun, but it's also legit overused.
  
  

...and I quote...

These are all from Jack:

"My family is the worst!"

"I love my family!"

"Happy Christmas everybody! Did you hear me?! I SAID HAPPY CHRISTMAS!"

"You gotta come see this thing--it's in the toilet."

"I'm re-decorating my play room. With stickers."

"I did not draw on that window with crayon...I think maybe a spider did it."

Hate Mail

• Dear "10-Day Top Coat": YOU ARE A LIAR. If anything you should call yourself "4-Hour Top Coat." Thanks for nothing, Dicknose. Love, Lauren
  
  
• Dear Lonely People: Have some kids. You will never be alone again, not even to poop. Love, Lauren
  
  
• Dear Tom Cruise: Your teeth do not line up with the rest of your face. Please stay off of my tv. Love, Lauren
  
  
• Dear Living Room Carpet: Your weird colors wreak havoc with my poor ability to distinguish colors, and therefor are the perfect camoflauge for unpleasant carpet mines (like raisins, and poop, and every small, sharp toy my son owns). Thanks for NOTHING! Love, Lauren
  
  
• Dear Lauren, please ease up on the CAPS. You are already too shouty. And quit saying "thanks for nothing"...it has lost all meaning at this point. Love, Yourself
  
  
• Dear Self: THANKS FOR NOTHING! Love, Lauren
  
  

Genes

When one of our children does something brilliant, Dan and I try to determine who contributed the genes responsible for it, and invariably do not agree. When the kids do something stupid or annoying, we argue over who's lame genes are responsible for that behavior, and usually end up agreeing way faster than you would imagine. For instance, tonight the baby wanted to get out of her high chair while we were eating dinner, and rather than gesture or communicate clearly that she had had enough wonderful family-togetherness-over-a-meal, she just waved her arms repetitively and made awkward squawking noises for about 20 minutes without faltering until we finally let her out of her TERRIBLE FOOD PRISON.

I commented pretty much that exact sentiment to Dan, who sarcastically remarked that only one other member of this family gets her way by annoying everyone into it.

He must be talking about Dinah.