The Fourth Trimester

So I've decided that my daughter is going to be one of those kids that takes an extra year to finish college. Hopefully because she is double-majoring, and not because she drank a fifth of bourbon every day of her senior year.

The doctor called this morning to schedule my "induction" for October 1st. Now, for you not familiar with the joys of obstetrics, induction does not indicate the day that I will be welcomed into the Guinness Book of World Records for being the pregnant-iest woman in the world. It is the day that they will pump me full of synthetic hormones in an effort to trick my uterus into expelling my child into the world. Actually with Jack they "augmented" my labor (which means that they give you the juice to speed things along) and that worked pretty well, so hopefully this will too. The only foreseeable problem is that October 1st is A WEEK AWAY.

I don't know if you've ever been really uncomfortable, but when you are REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE every other thing that might normally just roll off of your back just doesn't. It becomes ONE MORE ANNOYANCE to your already INCREDIBLY ANNOYING life. Now, I can safely say (as a normally quite cheerful person) that most people should not be allowed to talk to pregnant ladies. Especially pregnant ladies in their 4th trimester. It's right up there with super-fat people wearing too-small jean shorts and really old people still driving (horribly).

Let me just tell you how often I get asked (IN PERSON); "Are you STILL pregnant?" What I can't surmise is exactly what response these idiots are expecting. I'm clearly not carrying an infant, and I am (fortunately) one of those ladies that just looks very pregnant and not supremely fat (at least when I'm not eating). This, for me, is the all-time WTF moment. Along with this particular comment are these: "Haven't you had that baby yet?" and "When are you going to have that baby already?" I personally feel that all three of these questions deserve a punch in the lips. Thus I suggest that all stupid people give me a berth of at least 5 feet at all times. I'm a lunger.

Another really annoying topic of conversation is this baby's name. Now, we've been referring to her as "Cheeto" forever b/c a) my son is a Frito-Lay lover and b) we have NO IDEA what to name her. But trust me, if we did, we would not tell because guess what? People love to dump all over your name of choice. Or suggest an alternative. Like "Peggy." Or they tell you that the name that you've chosen sounds like a stripper name. Lovely! Most of the reason that we have not settled on a name is because I want the option to change my mind at the last minute. I don't know WHO this person is that is squatting illegally in my uterus, so when I finally meet her, in 2010, I would like to reserve the right to spontaneously choose an appropriate name at that very moment...like "Bertha."

And one final issue (understatement of the year). Pregnant ladies do not like to be prodded and touched and especially do not like you to scream into their bellies as if their belly-button is a direct line to the fetus. Guess what, the fetus can already hear you and probably is even more reluctant to come out because there is some nut shouting too loudly. And attempting to jiggle my protruding belly is CERTAINLY not going to dislodge anything except some teeth from your mouth.