OVERHEARD

Jack, leaning in to smooch his sister, gets a baby-fist to the ear. "OW!" he shouts. "She just honked my horn!!!" (Pronounced "Hor-in" because extra syllables are fun.)

*******

Dan and Jack are showering together: a time for men.

Dan: Now which bottle do we use to wash our hair?
Jack (triumphantly): This one!
Dan: And which one do we use on our bodies?
Jack: I use this one. But you use that one (gesturing to shampoo). You're hairy.

Allow me to introduce myself...

Dan and I struggled with the name of our daughter. There were many names that we liked, but none that we loved; none that seemed worthy of the kind of person that this child was going to have to be to survive in this nuthouse. So as I lay in the delivery room, slowly feeling the effects of the most valuable potion in the world seep into my spine to relieve the pain of my contractions, I thought of Sydney. It seemed like a strong name, but still pretty; a name that would sound good on the cover of a book, on the badge of a journalist, on the door of a district attorney's office. It was just ambiguous enough to let her give unmet people no impression of gender, but rather a blank slate to unexpectedly fill with all of the charm and intelligence that she is sure to have as this child HAS ALREADY ROLLED OVER. I realize that every mother brims with pride over her children and their wonderful abilities, but this "baby" is insanely strong.

So now that she has been introduced, let me share some of her budding personality with you in the form of a list!

THINGS I LIKE:

• EATING!
• Making goat noises
• PUNCHING!
• KICKING!
• Ceiling fans
  
• EATING!

Things that I do NOT like:

• baths
• having my clothes changed
• baths
• waiting to eat
• being hungry
• not eating
  

There are no words.

Finally. There is a word...a word that definitely has new meaning in my life. I have so much to say about my new daughter that I can barely settle on any one thread to explain myself adequately, much less as extensively as I want.

So I will start with this: Sydney Michelle Tarkenton burst into this world at 6:52am on September 30th. She made a swift grand entrance (thankfully!) and it was as easy as I could have hoped for, especially given her stats: 9 lb, 1 oz, 22". I was only in labor for 5 hours and change, and only pushed for 10 minutes! God, you have my sincerest thanks.

She is thus far a magnificent creature who rarely cries, and when she does it is so sheep-like and sweet that it doesn't send me cringing to a heap on the floor like baby Jack's cries did. Instead I can smile and reassure her and she JUST STOPS. I didn't know that they made babies like this. During my entire pregnancy I fervently prayed and hoped that I would be blessed to have a non-colicky child this time; to have a baby that I could coo over and enjoy as opposed to someone who made me flinch and cower with his loud and angry tirades that often lasted over three hours at a time.

Although baby Jack is often maligned in this family, CHILD Jack is so amazing and smart and funny and heartbreakingly cute that he has more than atoned for the mental and emotional reign of terror that he mounted for the first 6 months of his life. He deserves a break after the way that he came into the world--5 days in the NICU, reflux disease, medication, eye-problems, and two new idiot parents. He has earned his stripes.

But this new one...this little, tiny woman-child who grunts like a pig to be fed and sweetly sighs in her sleep as if she's singing her own ongoing lullabye; this tiny bundle of the sweetest smelling fuzz and tender skin who SLEEPS for HOURS at a time; this little extraordinary being is improving my life with her every breath and noise. Her sweet, sweet presence is like a healing balm that rapidly oozes into every crack and fissure that has ever threatened to break my heart. I wonder if there are enough cheesy and sentimental words to explain how I feel about her, how serene and amazing and PLEASANT she is. I feel more than blessed. There are no words.

(PS. I will be sure to come back and read this when she is 13 and surly.)

Mystery Solved!

So this morning Dan noticed, while Jack was watching his usual morning cartoon, Special Agent Oso, that the characters were playing hopscotch. But it was legitimate hopscotch, so we at least know now where Jack learned the word.

On another note I am preparing for my last day with only one child tomorrow. I don't feel particularly sad that Jack will no longer be the only kid, but I do feel sad for everyone who will have to deal with me on limited sleep. I know that EVERYONE is affected when they have a severe lack of sleep, but by far out of all of the things that could possibly affect someone's attitude, sleep is the predominant factor for me. I can put up with LOTS, but only if I get rest in-between.

That being said, there are lots of things that I will not miss about being pregnant! So many people have said, "rest before the baby comes!" and that is so ironic b/c I have had SO much trouble with sleeping this pregnancy. I will not miss being pummeled from the inside, peeing 800 times a day, being constantly hungry while at the same time impossibly nauseated, or the constant sweating, burping and pain. I will not miss throwing up in public like a drunk hobo or the constipation and headaches. I will not miss the crying jags or feeling helpless and incapacitated.

That's not to say that there weren't ANY good things. I will always love how silky and thick my hair became, how my skin never broke out and that all of the pants that I could wear had stretchy waists. I love how pregnancy makes you an amazing floater in the pool/ocean. I'm really lucky that I never swelled or had health issues...in fact I was disgustingly healthy despite all of my discomfort (and eating whatever I wanted). I even like seeing the doctor frequently and feeling like a science project--it is amazing to see yourself grow something and change each day with life. I was blessed to carry everything out front and not look like a huge lard ass, but just a regular pregnant lady. I also kind of like that pregnancy (for some reason) makes me feel like I can blurt out exactly what I think as opposed to my usual more thoughtful self. It's all a trade-off, and I realize that through all of my bitching, 10 months of complaints is a small price to pay for something so amazing and fulfilling and totally worthwhile.

I just wanted to get all of this on the record in case I ever have the urge to have a third child--I can come back and read this and get the HUGE REALITY CHECK that is my body with child. Oh, and don't forget that you had contractions for ONE MONTH STRAIGHT.

We need a new dictionary

Jack's latest craze is a game he calls "hopscotch" but involves batting a balloon around the family room. I think that he just likes the sound of the word "hopscotch," and we're not quite sure where he picked up that term because I certainly have not been playing it, and they don't have any hard, chalk-able surfaces on his school playground...presumably to save face.

Hopscotch can be played with two people, but usually all three of us participate, and it's imperative to squeal and giggle a lot while you try to keep the balloon in the air. ONLY Jack is allowed to catch the balloon (everyone else must only bat it), and if you allow it to touch the ground, Jack wins. Unless he lets it touch the ground, in which case, Jack also wins.

OVERHEARD

Jack: (Flailing around in a small foam chair in the middle of the family room) Somebody help me! I can't get up! Aiyeee!

Dan: Jack, enough with the DRAMA!

Jack: I can't help myself!!!

"Emergency"

I know that pregnancy has side-tracked my life lately (and brain, and stomach, and wardrobe--I'm down to THREE outfits that fit), but there is a lot going on in our house. Mostly EMERGENCIES. In Jack's world, everything is an emergency. He has emergency toys, emergency clothes, emergency cups, an emergency backpack...you name it. He doesn't seem to understand the concept of emergencies, only that to label something as such makes it much more exciting and therefor way better.

All of this emergency-ing doesn't really bother me. You have to remember who I grew up with: someone who watched certain BETAMAX movies 500 times in a row (like My Little Pony: The Movie). Someone who watched these moves SO MANY TIMES that they ceased to have a grip on reality and started to believe that her family members were actually characters from this movie, and, on more than one occasion, called her mother "Scorpan" in public.

But I digress. This drama doesn't bother me, but it does bother Dan (much to my delight). Dan is not a daydreamer, so he cannot yet appreciate Jack's ventures into his imaginary emergency world. Dan is learning to tolerate the constant chatter and inane ramblings of his almost-four-year-old progeny. I, fortunately, am a pro as I already have had lots of practice from the first 7 years of my pre-parenthood relationship with Dan. Ahem.