I'm allergic to caaaaaaaaaahts

We are kitten-sitting. Kitting. There are two adorable morons here for the week, and I, as a non-cat-owner, am getting a crash course on what it is to live with felines. I've always had dogs as pets (with the occasional fish and bird) but never cats. My dad and I were allergic. They don't seem to bother me much now, but they do leave me with the feeling that I'm not in on some joke.

Mystery #1

For instance, whenever they see me CALMLY WALKING AROUND MY HOUSE they widen their eyes and yell, "AGHHHHHHHHHHH! Why are you chasing me agaaaaaaain!?" and scamper into other rooms. I would like to sit them down and explain that no, I am not into chasing cats, also, that they are running into a room that doesn't have an exit, so if I WAS chasing them, I would win. I would also like to explain to them that as a human, I often walk from room to room, to perform activities like peeing or eating (SEPARATE ROOMS) and I really don't give a shit that they saw me doing this or inferred in their extremely self-absorbed kitty brains that I was going to try to catch them.

I was trying to imagine where this ludicrous behavior stems from...as a species were cats hunted by long-legged, pale, hairless creatures? Is this fear ingrained in their DNA? I can't think of any logical reason for this. Conclusion: Cats are aliens.

Mystery #2

These kittens also like to sleep IN MY WAY. When I lay down to sleep, I don't want to be stepped on, scooted, woken up or plopped down off of my bed. So it's really hard to wrap my mind around why the best place for a nap would be between someone and their keyboard? This makes no sense to me. It hopefully also explains why several people received instant messages from me that read only "000000000000000000000000000."

Someone suggested that perhaps it is warm there? But no, my PC is below my desk, creating a warm area on a soft carpet that is OUT OF THE WAY. If I were a cat, I would curl up right there and sleep UNINTERRUPTED FOR HOURS. I honestly fear for these poor animals...this must be why they spend their entire lives confined to a house: otherwise they'd curl up on a nice interstate for a snooze. Conclusion: Cat's are so narcissistic that they want you to observe and admire them (and drive around them) even as they sleep.

Mystery #3

Cats must be an old species. Like, surviving-the-flood-old. Why else do they need to be at the TOP of EVERYTHING? These kittens climb their way to the most precarious perches, knocking things over and often falling in the process. Do they have some latent monkey genes in there? They're certainly not SNEAKING up to the top of my bookshelf as they scrabble at each shelf and jangle all of the items on that shelf. I often have to help them to the top, where they sit and look down at me with disdain. I want to tell them, "Throw me all of the attitude you want you idiots, I'm fine down here: I CAN SWIM." Conclusion: Cats don't understand what sea level is.

Mystery #4

Endless grooming. Why do you need to lick yourself (and others) all day long? You live in my house which is (relatively) clean, and it's not like you are doing anything other than sleeping on my desk, so where do you imagine you are collecting all of this mystery dirt? Frankly, you smelled and looked better before you licked all of your fur into a shiny Guido mess, and then gagged. Conclusion: For creatures who are so self-obsessed, they really need to look in mirrors more often.

Mystery #5

There are a lot of really rad things about cats...they're so very soft, so very squishy, and I love the purring noises. They look like jungle animals and are amazing athletes. What I don't understand, however, is this contention that cats are smarter or more superior than dogs. I feel that each species has it's issues and probably they would come out even on some sort of species-specific intelligence test...probably with equally low scores. Conclusion: People who subscribe to cat favoritism are also aliens (which also explains why they talk in funny voices when communicating with their kitty-witty-cayuts).



Adorable-But-Inconveniently-Snoozing-Blaine




What's better than napping in someone's way? Getting unsolicited grooming from a kitty freyund!

Stop This Train

So it's been a doozy of a month. Lots going on, lots of changes! Kindergarten has started (year-round school), so we've been organizing and filing paperwork and buying cemetary plots. Just kidding--everyone knows I want to be cremated.

There is also quite a language explosion (so much more pleasant than the usual explosions that we get!!!) going on, and certain people have learned lots of new words that Mommy would rather not hear, and some new words that I can't get enough of. Note: We haven't mastered personal pronouns yet.

Most of these you hear during the course of a day...over and over and over again:

"Mommy! Too loud!" (Usually when I'm doing dishes and she's sitting at the kitchen table.)

"Jaaaaaaaaaack! Sit right there." (Usually when Jack is running around and she wants his toys.)

"Sydney needs medicine." (Right after Dan screams, "What is wrong with you kids!?")

"Where are Sydney's sun glasses?" (Immediately upon entering the house.)

"Can Sydney have chewies?" (Immediately upon entering the house.)

"Dinah ate it." (After we ask her where her food went. This is also usually a lie.)

"Naked Sydney!!!" (Waaaaaay too often.)

"You're welcome for my food!" (After dinner.)

"Sydney don't like pajamas." (Bedtime, EVERY NIGHT.)

"Su-Su...where are you?" (Whenever she is admonished for anything. Sometimes it's Pop-Pop she's looking for. Often she has to settle for Jack.)

"DAMMAT!" (Whenever anyone drops something.)

"Awww man!" (After I yell at her not to say 'dammit.')

Online Shopping

Me, looking at an Amereican Apparel ad: Who wears bodysuits?!
Jack: Uh...Daddy?


Me, showing Jack sneakers on Zappos: These are cool, do you like these?
Jack: Oh yeah, they're strimpy!
Me: Strimpy?
Jack: Yeah, you know, really awesome.
Me: Um...do you mean 'pimpy'?
Jack: YES.

Yarr...me favrits!

Random list of things that make my face crack:

• Neon nail polish
  
• kisses (especially from babies)
  
• When it rains during my run
  
• When two unexpected good things happen in a row, like today when I found awesome left-overs in the fridge that I had forgotten about for my lunch and I found my favorite belt that had been lost for 5 months.
  
• Buying a new book
  
• Navy and white striped shirts, which I adore even though they tend to make me look like a pirate
  
• Playing board games by my own (often superior) made-up rules
  
• Concert tickets!
  
• When someone else puts my laundry away
  
• Visitors!
  
• Pretty much anything with sequins
  
• The beach
  
• Nobilo!
  
• When things work the first time
  
• Naps!
  
• Yummy-smelling shampoo
  
• Sparkly eyeliner
  
• Oysters!
  

QUOTES

When I was in college, I used to keep a mental list of the funny things that my roommate said (which were even FUNNIER taken out of context) and then write them to her in notes to cheer her up before exams/after breakups/during hangovers. I never quite lost that tendency, although my memory doesn't work as well as it used to so now I have to write them down.

Here are ones that survived my holey brain (thanks mostly to Allison and iNotes):

"YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF THE BATHROOM!"

"...especially because I LOVE clams, and I HATE sausage!"

"There is a remote chance that you are mildly confused."

"This is NOT delicious."

"I wonder if this is what the parents of kids born with the wrong biology feel like..."

"Reminder: You are not a boy."

"You need to use UrbanDictionary.com. I cannot, in good conscience, explain this to you."

"I don't know what's going on in my mouth right now."

"At this point, you could pour it all over me, I'm so wet."

"Oh yeah? Do you want to compare butt puddles?"

"It wasn't as thick and creamy as I wanted."

"I have to tuck it in if I want to keep it."

"Basically the only normal thing about me is my pap-smear."

"I don't want it to squirt in your face...or mine!"

Baby you're a firework.

After arriving home from the beach we had our Colorado friends' families over to visit while they are here on the East coast with their 800 sons. OK, they only have three, but that is quite enough.

To keep the 5-year old boys in line, I promised that we could light fireworks later that evening IF THEY WERE WELL BEHAVED.

(Like boys are ever "well" behaved.)

They were not horrible, so we ended up shooting some of the bottle rockets off in the backyard, and then let the boys do sparklers.

As Jack held his sparkler infront of a group of 8 visiting, OLDER adults, he giggled in delight. Then, as the sparkler fizzled closer to his hand he exlaimed, "hey...this is FUCKING BURNING!"

Crickets chirped.

"What did you say?" I asked him, desperately trying not to laugh.

"I said," he slowly repeated with a very adult-like raised eyebrow, "that this is fucking burning!"

(I secretly was waiting for the "...man!")

The adults gasped.

I chomped my face.

I explained that that wasn't a great word to use, and it made some people upset, so it's better just to not say it at all.

"Anyway...where did you hear that?" I asked.

"Daddy says it all of the fucking time!"

No I'm just kidding. I couldn't resist.

What he really said: "Daddy says it all of the time!"

All of it.

So we went to the beach. With another family: one small mother, one large father, two 1-year old BOY twins, and a 5-year old clone of Jack. Luckily we were smart enough to hire a nanny for the week to watch a portion of this mangy group of children so we could sit on the beach in semi-peace and pretend to be adults that still have fun and don't scream at people. At least in public.

All in all we had an AMAZING time. It was the best vacation I've had in 6 years. Swimming, football, bocci, sunbathing, seafood, beers, board games, dogs; it was awesome.

Upon our arrival home, Jack's grandparents were here visiting from out of town. He was elated to end his week of vacation in their presence. They had also brought with them an incredible gift.

Backstory: Jack loves Legos. He tries to talk Dan and I into taking him to the store to buy a new box of them every weekend without fail. He squirrels away any coin he finds into his piggy bank, saving up to invariably BUY MORE LEGOS. He already has three shoe-box sized bins full of them. Maybe four. I can't keep track of them unless it's by stepping on them in the dark, in which case I would estimate that he has about 4 billion.

So anyway, Grandma and Grandpa bestow upon him his ultimate Lego dream: an enormous box of them that contain the components of the mega-huge police station. This thing has a guard dog, bad guys, two police vehicles and a whole several-story police facility complete with garage bays with sliding doors AND cell blocks that ALSO HAVE SLIDING DOORS. (The Legos I grew up playing with are Amish in comparison to this shit.)

As promised, I helped Jack begin construction on the police megastructure tonight. He could barely contain himself in his excitement to get this thing put together. He's usually pretty adept at following the instructions, but I had promised him to throw it all together quickly so he could play tiny-man-incarceration.

I'm leafing through the end of the booklet, making sure that I've completed the steps on one of the pages when I notice a (typically) bizarre activity occurring in my peripheral vision. I look up to see Jack excitedly squeezing/groping his chest.

I stopped and stared.

"Uhhh...what are you doing to yourself there?" I asked him.

"Pinching myself!" He squealed, unable to sit still.

"Uhhh...where exactly are you pinching yourself?" My voice getting higher.

"MY NIPPLES!" He screamed.

I lost it. Construction was halted--to resume tomorrow night.