Hyphenmania

Hey look!  Only a 3 month delay!  This is the least efficient blog ever.

I honestly did write this in March, but things prevented me from posting here until now.  LUCKY YOU!

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We just returned from Colorado, where we spent 10 glorious days not working (wheeee!) and skiing (WHEEEEE!) with some drinking, laughing, and a whole lot of babies/sleeping mixed in. Our friends who live in Littleton (right outside of Denver) hosted us, and even transported us all of the way up into the little rocky nest known as Steamboat. Luckily, I managed to take 4,612 photos during this journey.


The Base of the Rockies
We hadn't been out to Colorado since I was pregnant with Sydney, and against the (OFTEN REPEATED) advice of many people, I did ski. Some of you are gasping. I, however, am doing a very hilarious Samuel L. Jackson impression that involves some unsavory words and air-kicking. Relax, nothing bad happened. (And I even skied a black! *maniacal laugh*) THIS trip was insanely more fun because a) there was NO BARFING, b) there were no FETUSES, and c) I had a King-sized bed to sleep in. Actually there were d-zz more reasons, including 42" of gorgeous champagne powder and lunch cocktails.


36" of New Powder the Second Morning
Everyone had a great time, including Jack, who managed to climb through three levels of peeweeski school, a feat which may sound relatively average, but if you knew this bumbling child first-hand, you would understand that this is near-Herculean. It made my vacation so enjoyable to pick him up from his snowy school all rosy-cheeked and beaming...and demanding hot chocolate.


Sippers
Sydney is too little for ski school, so she was forced to stay back at the house with a nanny and two twin boys. I know, her karma is shitty. It's her own fault. Luckily, she is smart, mean, and fast enough to evade 1.5 year-old meatballs. I, however, was not as on-my-toes and suffered several nasty yanks of hair, inside-of-the-arm pinches that hurt worse than giving birth, as well as a few claws to the legs. Honestly it was like having two incredibly strong shrunken, and also very incoherently drunk, men to take care of. These kids have a PHYSIQUE. They were both terrifying and eye-wateringly adorable. I spent most of my time avoiding them or squeezing them in mama bear hugs (which were also the only effective way of contact without the pinches/yanks/claws). My extreme awe and esteem to their mother, who maybe should have thought better about procreating with a crazy Army Ranger turned Law Enforcement Agent who can eat an entire large pizza and wings in one sitting, AND goes heli-skiing in Alaska for fun. This man also affectionately calls me by the nickname "Crazy." Must be like calling a bald man Curly, right?


Descent to Denver

We survived the trip with zero injuries, two miserable colds (Dan and I) and no citations for choking a child on an airplane...so better than I was expecting. Sydney was kept in (relative) control on the plane via jelly beans and Nemo and my indulging her in 9 trips to the bathroom. She loved the tiny lavatory, and also announcing to the entire cabin as she pranced back to her seat that "I peed on the little potty! And so did Mommy!"

If

Dan and I have caught ourselves a lot lately saying things like, "If we didn't have kids, then..." Mostly this happens in the comedown of a crazy, scream-filled minute of trying to determine which child is angry and which child is hurt through the cacophony of noise they make as they wrestle over a toy/cup/book/cracker. The dispute settled, our adrenaline levels returning to normal, we look at each other for sympathy in the only place we can get it: the other parent.

Sometimes we mutter it as we turn down an invitation to the movies or dinner, or a party thrown together at the last minute. Sometimes it's after waking up for the 4th time in the span of a night, or cleaning up a tiny body, or the mess it made. Sometimes it's after an accidental headbutt to the face, or when you fall on a lego as you dive to save a small head from cracking on the hearth.

Sometimes it's after negotiating for a HAIR-BRUSHING, or figuring out the night before how to evade the rage of a 2-year old when she discovers that there are no waffles left.

Teething, cuts, bruises, barf, pink eye, diarrhea, tears, screaming, crying, biting my lip so hard it bleeds so that I don't haul off and hit someone. Losing voices, losing tempers, losing fights. Snot, on my walls, on my clothes, on my face, on my furniture. Things getting ruined, toys being assembled, late nights, early mornings, missing blankets, frantically ended dinners at restaurants out, unfinished meals, unfinished drinks, unfinished work. Mommy brain, fewer friends, an unstoppable leak of money.

There are sacrifices you don't think about when you're excited about having kids. The proliferation of the human race DEPENDS on this.

Segue to this New Year's eve, when we were lucky enough to have some of our very best friends come to visit with their two small boys. We all hung out for days, playing, dancing, cooking, eating, yelling, laughing and parenting. It was bliss. More friends and family joined us to celebrate making it through a rough year. We barely made it to midnight and everyone crashed. The day after New Years, after everyone had left and our children thankfully returned to school, Dan and I talked about what an awesome weekend it was, and how much we enjoyed it. We realized then, if we didn't have kids, we never would have had it.

Squeezes, soft kisses, holding sticky hands, unsolicited hugs, the most contagious giggles I've ever heard, wonder, amusement, glee, new depths of patience, tenderness, empathy, reasons to see Pixar movies in the theater, Disney Land, swinging pasty bodies into the surf, first sips of soda, birthday cakes, singing, smiling, STORIES, good reasons to get up in the morning, good reasons to go to bed early, adorable faces around my dinner table, spatula-lickers, dog walkers, lego engineers, barette collectors, prayers, singing bedtime songs, affection, snuggles, joy, funny games made up on the spot by tiny minds, tearing up watching them figure it out on their own, letting them chose the restaurant, a brother holding his baby sister's hand in the backseat of the car, heart-bursting pride, train rides, plane rides, roller coasters, swings, jelly beans, scrambled eggs, wergit!

I could ramble on for hours. This year we're all working on thinking in a more positive, giving way. We remind each other. Sometimes quietly, sometimes with a little umph. So thank you 2012, for already showing me what matters: the loud, messy, ruiners that I live with, and love dearly.

Falling

Yes, I am aware that this is the third month that I have only made one post. Unfortunately I am lacking the gene that allows you to satisfactorily care for two small children, one large husband, two ridiculous dogs and a house, all while successfully employed as a professional IT ass-wiper. Just kidding, my ass-wiping is all freelance.

So it's been a great month, we did our Halloween-ish activities, which are our favorite I think, maybe 2nd to Christmas. I love the leaves changing and the weather getting so amazingly chilly and crisp!

We went to Green Acres farm in Cary, NC last week on the recommendation of an adorable friend, and we had a BLAST! My favorite part was feeding the little goats. They were the most polite goats I've ever encountered. I told Sydney to take notes. Jack loved the farm machinery that they graciously let ALL of the children climb on, and also the cows that we saw at the tail end of our hayride who were POOPING WHILE THEY WALKED! Both children screamed about this, to the edification of the other 50 passengers of the hayride (it was an enormous trailer). We had fresh, hot funnel cake (a first for both little ones, who I had to fight for the sugary-est pieces) and then Sydney managed to sit still for close to 10 entire minutes getting her face painted.

I'm allergic to caaaaaaaaaahts

We are kitten-sitting. Kitting. There are two adorable morons here for the week, and I, as a non-cat-owner, am getting a crash course on what it is to live with felines. I've always had dogs as pets (with the occasional fish and bird) but never cats. My dad and I were allergic. They don't seem to bother me much now, but they do leave me with the feeling that I'm not in on some joke.

Mystery #1

For instance, whenever they see me CALMLY WALKING AROUND MY HOUSE they widen their eyes and yell, "AGHHHHHHHHHHH! Why are you chasing me agaaaaaaain!?" and scamper into other rooms. I would like to sit them down and explain that no, I am not into chasing cats, also, that they are running into a room that doesn't have an exit, so if I WAS chasing them, I would win. I would also like to explain to them that as a human, I often walk from room to room, to perform activities like peeing or eating (SEPARATE ROOMS) and I really don't give a shit that they saw me doing this or inferred in their extremely self-absorbed kitty brains that I was going to try to catch them.

I was trying to imagine where this ludicrous behavior stems from...as a species were cats hunted by long-legged, pale, hairless creatures? Is this fear ingrained in their DNA? I can't think of any logical reason for this. Conclusion: Cats are aliens.

Mystery #2

These kittens also like to sleep IN MY WAY. When I lay down to sleep, I don't want to be stepped on, scooted, woken up or plopped down off of my bed. So it's really hard to wrap my mind around why the best place for a nap would be between someone and their keyboard? This makes no sense to me. It hopefully also explains why several people received instant messages from me that read only "000000000000000000000000000."

Someone suggested that perhaps it is warm there? But no, my PC is below my desk, creating a warm area on a soft carpet that is OUT OF THE WAY. If I were a cat, I would curl up right there and sleep UNINTERRUPTED FOR HOURS. I honestly fear for these poor animals...this must be why they spend their entire lives confined to a house: otherwise they'd curl up on a nice interstate for a snooze. Conclusion: Cat's are so narcissistic that they want you to observe and admire them (and drive around them) even as they sleep.

Mystery #3

Cats must be an old species. Like, surviving-the-flood-old. Why else do they need to be at the TOP of EVERYTHING? These kittens climb their way to the most precarious perches, knocking things over and often falling in the process. Do they have some latent monkey genes in there? They're certainly not SNEAKING up to the top of my bookshelf as they scrabble at each shelf and jangle all of the items on that shelf. I often have to help them to the top, where they sit and look down at me with disdain. I want to tell them, "Throw me all of the attitude you want you idiots, I'm fine down here: I CAN SWIM." Conclusion: Cats don't understand what sea level is.

Mystery #4

Endless grooming. Why do you need to lick yourself (and others) all day long? You live in my house which is (relatively) clean, and it's not like you are doing anything other than sleeping on my desk, so where do you imagine you are collecting all of this mystery dirt? Frankly, you smelled and looked better before you licked all of your fur into a shiny Guido mess, and then gagged. Conclusion: For creatures who are so self-obsessed, they really need to look in mirrors more often.

Mystery #5

There are a lot of really rad things about cats...they're so very soft, so very squishy, and I love the purring noises. They look like jungle animals and are amazing athletes. What I don't understand, however, is this contention that cats are smarter or more superior than dogs. I feel that each species has it's issues and probably they would come out even on some sort of species-specific intelligence test...probably with equally low scores. Conclusion: People who subscribe to cat favoritism are also aliens (which also explains why they talk in funny voices when communicating with their kitty-witty-cayuts).



Adorable-But-Inconveniently-Snoozing-Blaine




What's better than napping in someone's way? Getting unsolicited grooming from a kitty freyund!

Stop This Train

So it's been a doozy of a month. Lots going on, lots of changes! Kindergarten has started (year-round school), so we've been organizing and filing paperwork and buying cemetary plots. Just kidding--everyone knows I want to be cremated.

There is also quite a language explosion (so much more pleasant than the usual explosions that we get!!!) going on, and certain people have learned lots of new words that Mommy would rather not hear, and some new words that I can't get enough of. Note: We haven't mastered personal pronouns yet.

Most of these you hear during the course of a day...over and over and over again:

"Mommy! Too loud!" (Usually when I'm doing dishes and she's sitting at the kitchen table.)

"Jaaaaaaaaaack! Sit right there." (Usually when Jack is running around and she wants his toys.)

"Sydney needs medicine." (Right after Dan screams, "What is wrong with you kids!?")

"Where are Sydney's sun glasses?" (Immediately upon entering the house.)

"Can Sydney have chewies?" (Immediately upon entering the house.)

"Dinah ate it." (After we ask her where her food went. This is also usually a lie.)

"Naked Sydney!!!" (Waaaaaay too often.)

"You're welcome for my food!" (After dinner.)

"Sydney don't like pajamas." (Bedtime, EVERY NIGHT.)

"Su-Su...where are you?" (Whenever she is admonished for anything. Sometimes it's Pop-Pop she's looking for. Often she has to settle for Jack.)

"DAMMAT!" (Whenever anyone drops something.)

"Awww man!" (After I yell at her not to say 'dammit.')

Online Shopping

Me, looking at an Amereican Apparel ad: Who wears bodysuits?!
Jack: Uh...Daddy?


Me, showing Jack sneakers on Zappos: These are cool, do you like these?
Jack: Oh yeah, they're strimpy!
Me: Strimpy?
Jack: Yeah, you know, really awesome.
Me: Um...do you mean 'pimpy'?
Jack: YES.

Yarr...me favrits!

Random list of things that make my face crack:

• Neon nail polish
  
• kisses (especially from babies)
  
• When it rains during my run
  
• When two unexpected good things happen in a row, like today when I found awesome left-overs in the fridge that I had forgotten about for my lunch and I found my favorite belt that had been lost for 5 months.
  
• Buying a new book
  
• Navy and white striped shirts, which I adore even though they tend to make me look like a pirate
  
• Playing board games by my own (often superior) made-up rules
  
• Concert tickets!
  
• When someone else puts my laundry away
  
• Visitors!
  
• Pretty much anything with sequins
  
• The beach
  
• Nobilo!
  
• When things work the first time
  
• Naps!
  
• Yummy-smelling shampoo
  
• Sparkly eyeliner
  
• Oysters!