Trail of Tears

Stanley: Oooh, it's raining?  I can't poop in the rain.
Me: Well, you're not coming in until you do it.
Stanley, standing in the rain: I REALLY DON'T HAVE TO POOP!  LET ME IN!
 ...20 minutes elapse...
Stanley: I totally don't know why, but someone pooped in the living room.  

Bedtime Stories

Sydney has graduated from having stories merely READ to her, and now often demands tales spun on the spot.  Here's last night's:




A long time ago, in a far away land called Virginia, a happy young girl lived a peaceful live, devoid of children.  She had only to worry about her own dirty laundry, dishes, and occasionally pick up the poop of her puppy, Stanley.  It was glorious.

Wait, I was going somewhere with this.  Oh yes, The girl's parents lived across the river in a place called Maryland, and to get to their home, she had to cross a mighty bridge, called the American Legion Bridge.  This bridge had six lanes going in either direction, and usually a lot of assholes driving across it at any time.  As the girl often traversed this route, she noticed a peculiar thing: shoes.  There would be random shoes, never in pairs, scattered on the shoulder of the bridge.  Sometimes only one boot.  Sometimes several differing varieties.  But never, upon crossing that bridge, did the girl NOT see a shoe.

This perplexed her (as did many things in that far away place), and she began to develop theories while she sat in the hours of miserable traffic trying to cross that bridge.

Perhaps a boot truck overturned earlier that morning?

Perhaps star-crossed lovers who couldn't be together left each other reminders of their love on that bridge via footwear.

Maybe the bridge was haunted by a shoe manufacturing magnate who drowned in an unfortunate kayaking incident on the river under the bridge.  His soul can never be set free until child labor laws are passed in Indonesia.

OR, maybe there is a wind tunnel that sweeps over part of the bridge and sucks the shoes off of unsuspecting passengers who are, at that exact time, hanging their feet out of the window...as one often does when driving in DC traffic.

Sadly, the mystery was never solved, and the girl and her dog moved away to a magical place called North Carolina and never missed their old home.

Until one day many years later.

Over the years that silly girl and her silly husband had decided to have NOT ONE, but TWO!!! children.  (They should have listened to the dog.  He protested when they got the not-as-smart, and overly-poopy second dog.)

The second of these two children was a beguiling and beautiful girl, who often disobeyed her magnificent, albeit sometimes silly, mother.  Her mother was kind-hearted and let the child survive, however not everyone was happy about this.  (Including the dogs.)

One day, as the little girl was getting ready to leave for school, she could not find her shoes.

"I can't find my shoes." She announced, unhelpfully.

"Where did you have them last?"  Her mother asked.

"On my feet."  The hideous child replied.

And so began the long, and weary hunt for the shoes.  They could find ONE of many different pairs of the child's shoes, but alas, a matching set eluded them.

Then it occurred to the mother that maybe that gigantic bridge in her past was the mecca for lost shoes!  They all congregated there, in an effort to be seen by as many people as possible, in hopes that one day they would be found and reunited with their twin!

With that in mind, the mother set about crafting for the child a new set of cardboard shoes for the long walk to Virginia.  A gift, so that one day, she too would have bedtime stories to tell her own children.

Super Pooper

So we have a bunny now.  We adopted it after pet-sitting for a friend who eventually confessed that she would be happier if the bunny lived with us permanently.  This was a win-win situation.

The bunny's gender-orientation was a little hazy; we were told it was a girl.  It is rather hard to determine a gender in a young bunny, given the extremely fluffy pelvic area and the INCREDIBLE CUTENESS.  I figured that bunnies were almost sexless, you know like cupid or GOD.

Supreme Being

After an unexpected (and rather disturbing) incident involving my forearm and rapid-fire humping, I started to doubt that this bunny was female.  Feeling slightly violated, I decided that this bun needed to get to the vet.  Pronto.  Before I gave birth to a litter of bunnies.

Come Hither Lounging

When I called to make the appointment, the vet told me that adult male rabbits have "inordinately large" testicles that should be "very visible."  This did not help me, as this bunny is only around 4 months old.  Upon professional inspection, the vet told me that he was "90% sure that this is a female."

Now that we are mostly sure, we can move on with the naming process.  The rabbit's name was "Manger" which reminds me too much of mange, a parasitic condition affecting animals with fur.  So here are the list of candidate names (please feel free to add to it):

• Rabberta
• Pepper
• Layla
• Tabitha
• Pat

Twenty-five ways to annoy a 4.5-year old...

1. Describe their age as a whole number.
2. Do not allow them to attend elementary school, but force them to go to preschool with all of the other 4.5-year olds.
3. Brush their hair.
4. Don't brush their hair.
5. Say mean things to them, like you need to wear shoes outside in the snow, or, no, you cannot have chewable Advil for a snack.
6. Insist that they put their butt in a chair for longer than 26 seconds.
7. Tell them that you moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer and then turned the dryer on all without their supervision/assistance.
8. Ask them to pick up a toy.
9. Give birth to children prior to their birth.
10. Don't help them get dressed.
11. Help them get dressed.
12. Use your phone to have a conversation longer than 2 minutes without explaining to them who is on the other end and why.
13. Hang up without letting them talk to that person, regardless of who that person is.
14. Order pizza with pepperoni.
15. Order pizza without pepperoni.
16. Punish them for picking the bunny up by the ears.
17. Crack an egg and stir it without their help/supervision.
18. Refuse to put all of the remaining Band-aids in the box on the doll they just threw down the stairs.
19. Help them buckle their seat-belt.
20. Don't help them buckle their seat-belt.
21. Neglect to give them their second after-school-pre-pre-dinner-snack.
22. Buy fruit chews that are only in the shape of "boring fruit."
23. Inquire as to what fruits they consider to be engaging and/or entertaining.
24. Store the chips where they cannot reach them without assistance, because it interferes with their ability to sneak chips from the pantry.
25. Don't allow them to eat their chocolate milk from a bowl with a spoon.

Things I have heard today...

Sooooooo Sydney is home from school today because of an incident that occurred last night, which I will get into later.  I'm struggling to get work done with her here, and the background chatter is borderline amazing...sort of like a cross between what you might overhear in a crackhouse or an old folks home:

• Look at me!  I have yogurt braces!
• Relax!  I only picked one side of my nose.
• I'm still hungry.
• Uh, excuse me, I need another snack.
• Why does it smell bad in here?  Did I fart?
• I want to do some fruits.
• Let it Go!  Let it Go!  Let it Go!  Let it Go!  Let it Go!
• Did you fart?
• Is a burp a fart that comes from your mouth?
• What comes after 20?
• Can we make "lime-lade?"
• Maybe the bunny is farting.
• When do we get to meet Katy Perry?
• I ate all of the "Vanilla Wipers."  They're all gone.
• HERE I STAND!  LET IT GO!  LET IT GO!  HERE I STAND!
• I miss the dog.

Welcome to my uterus

So a popular question, now that Sydney is nearing the four-years-without-a-murder age, seems to be "Are you going to have another one?" It's extremely difficult to resist remarking that there can really only be ONE Satan.

As much as I love these two children, I feel like they successfully utilize all of my patience and physical ability to withstand "sturbis" tickling while I'm trying to issue serious parental edicts.  I've been advised to take all sorts of precautions, but unfortunately for me (and everyone who comes into contact with me on a regular basis), any hormone-related methods turn me into a velociraptor.

So here I am with ONLY TWO KIDS, and an unsuppressible urge to over-share.  I know that no one ever wants to hear about how horrible it is to have a uterus...so allow me to TIE YOU TO A CHAIR AND EXPLAIN.

Sometimes it makes you:

• Feel that, despite physical evidence to the contrary, you weigh 400-ish lbs.
• Feel like you cannot possibly cram enough calories into your body.
• Unintentionally cry on the phone, WITH YOUR BOSS.
• Feel that you could definitely beat the living tar out of Erin Andrews (and probably should, in order to save anyone with ears from listening to her speak).
• Entertain every sad thought you've ever had. (Remember those dogs you had that died?  HOW ABOUT YOUR GRANDMOTHER?)
• Yearn for pet ducks.  Or maybe guinea pigs.  Or a bunny.  BUNNEHS!
• Convince yourself that the weird cramping sensations that you've experienced approximately 246 times in your life probably mean that you're experiencing an ectopic pregnancy...oh GOD.
• Feel sorry for Solange Knowles because her big sister convinced the world that she actually grew a baby in her own uterus.
• Feel sorry for yourself for being a conspiracy theorist.
• Mentally calculate how much money you've spent on heating pads, tampons, Advil, replacement underwear, Gatorade and pregnancy tests.  Probably millions.

Grrrr Atttitude Problem

You know you have kids when you are grateful...

• that when you sat down on the downstairs toilet there wasn't any stray splatter on the seat.
• that you don't have to feed the dogs because no one finished their dinner.
• that the diaper that got washed with everyone's clothes only was wet, not muddy.
• that they serve beer at Chuck E Cheese's.
• that you got the leather interior in your car, which conveniently resists chewing gum and melted fruit snacks.
• that you have a proven track record of patience and wisdom enabling you to deal with the difficult...people at work.
• that you got sick on the weekend and not during the week.
• that they deliver pizza.