My Dad: Here Jack, catch this!
Jack: I'm gonna hit you in your berries!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Her body was shaped like a coke bottle...a 2 liter coke bottle.
Ah the joys of maternity clothes. As if you weren't the most awkward and ridiculous shape, the makers of maternity clothes feel that you might as well have clothes that don't fit correctly either. Now I can imagine that designing clothes for someone shaped like a moose can be quite difficult, but COME ON. Space travel, wireless internet, clones, a BLACK PRESIDENT, it is time for some progress in this department!!! We will be reproducing forever! Unless we somehow manage to develop artificial uteri that can be worn (by men) outside the body, something that I would not hesitate to vote for, maternity clothes are a necessity. On that note, I'm thinking of starting my own nudist colony. You are not invited.
Just so you know that my rant is leading somewhere, I will tell you: it is. I was wearing a pair of "maternity" shorts yesterday that had buttons on the inside of the waist so that you could adjust the tightness. Well, these buttons, having been pressed into my upper-ass flesh all day, had left red button marks on my body.
While I was using the toilet, of course Jack was in the bathroom with me, farting around in the bathtub (fully clothed, no water), he happened to notice the button marks on my ever-growing rump and asked me about them.
"You have a button on one of your heineys!" he exclaimed. "What is that from?"
I explained about the buttons on the inside of my shorts and how they had been mashed into "one of my heineys" all day.
"Oh Mama. OUCH!!" he yelled. I couldn't decide if he had sympathy for my button-marked ass or the fact that I apparently have two of them.
Just so you know that my rant is leading somewhere, I will tell you: it is. I was wearing a pair of "maternity" shorts yesterday that had buttons on the inside of the waist so that you could adjust the tightness. Well, these buttons, having been pressed into my upper-ass flesh all day, had left red button marks on my body.
While I was using the toilet, of course Jack was in the bathroom with me, farting around in the bathtub (fully clothed, no water), he happened to notice the button marks on my ever-growing rump and asked me about them.
"You have a button on one of your heineys!" he exclaimed. "What is that from?"
I explained about the buttons on the inside of my shorts and how they had been mashed into "one of my heineys" all day.
"Oh Mama. OUCH!!" he yelled. I couldn't decide if he had sympathy for my button-marked ass or the fact that I apparently have two of them.
Two For Two
Yesterday heralded the much awaited ultrasound. I was eager to see if I was indeed growing a human baby, and Dan really wanted to verify that it was a boy (because there are 95% men on the Tarkenton side of the family, and you-know-who is in charge of the variable chromosome). We waited together at the OB/GYNs office, a place where every man feels at home. Dan attempted to accompany me into the bathroom, and then in to get my blood pressure checked, and finally when it was really time to go into the exam room, I had to beckon across the waiting room for him to follow. Sheesh.
The tech was a brilliant lady who talked a LOT. I really love this about the South--there is absolutely nothing but warmth. She rambled on explaining the various measurements that she was taking (head=large, heart=2 ventricles, 2 atriums, all functioning, brain=check, spine=long) and our ninja baby obliged everyone by taking a few pot-shots at my liver on screen. Then the baby flipped over like a little monkey to show us a bony behind. I saw what I thought were male-parts and started saying, "It's a boy! I bet it's a boy!" and the tech said, "No, see this? That is a girl's business!!!"
Needless to say Dan had to immediately sit down on the provided chair and I started tearing up. "I am 99% sure!" the tech bubbled, as Dan cradled his head in his hands. When we were finally alone to de-jelly my belly, Dan looked at me and said, "This is it--when we get home I'm cutting my thing off!"
The first person that we called was Dan's Mom (who, when we started seriously dating, implored me to relieve her of the position as the only woman in the family). She had to hear the news three times before she really believed Dan.
When Jack got home I told him that he was going to have a baby sister. "I know Mama," he said, rolling his eyes condescendingly, "Baby Cheeto will play with all of my toys, but she will have her own too."
The tech was a brilliant lady who talked a LOT. I really love this about the South--there is absolutely nothing but warmth. She rambled on explaining the various measurements that she was taking (head=large, heart=2 ventricles, 2 atriums, all functioning, brain=check, spine=long) and our ninja baby obliged everyone by taking a few pot-shots at my liver on screen. Then the baby flipped over like a little monkey to show us a bony behind. I saw what I thought were male-parts and started saying, "It's a boy! I bet it's a boy!" and the tech said, "No, see this? That is a girl's business!!!"
Needless to say Dan had to immediately sit down on the provided chair and I started tearing up. "I am 99% sure!" the tech bubbled, as Dan cradled his head in his hands. When we were finally alone to de-jelly my belly, Dan looked at me and said, "This is it--when we get home I'm cutting my thing off!"
The first person that we called was Dan's Mom (who, when we started seriously dating, implored me to relieve her of the position as the only woman in the family). She had to hear the news three times before she really believed Dan.
When Jack got home I told him that he was going to have a baby sister. "I know Mama," he said, rolling his eyes condescendingly, "Baby Cheeto will play with all of my toys, but she will have her own too."
Monday, April 27, 2009
I'm through with standin' in lines at clubs I'll never get in...
So the bebe started kicking me today hard enough to be felt on my growing exterior. It is quite exciting. Wednesday we find out exactly what sex this crunchy cheese snack will be. I told Jack that if he is right and it is a girl then he can have ice cream everyday for the rest of this week.
Tonight Jack informed me, after telling me that he couldn't go to sleep because it was still light out (I remember using that one on my Dad), that he was a "Rock Star" and was "still busy rockin' the stars." Seriously, where does he get this stuff??
Tonight Jack informed me, after telling me that he couldn't go to sleep because it was still light out (I remember using that one on my Dad), that he was a "Rock Star" and was "still busy rockin' the stars." Seriously, where does he get this stuff??
My humble apologies
I am truly sorry for ever making fun of people who have had cavities (especially you Dan). I had to get two teeth drilled on today and it has effectively ruined my life. My perfect enamel record of 17 years has been shattered (and so has my face and jaw). I look like an actor wearing costume makeup from the set of Beetlejuice. If any of you ever have cavities I will bring you soup and facial compresses and sincere apologies.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Random
Jack: Is this pillow for me?? *Gesturing to old pillow sitting on couch*
Me: Uh, sure.
Jack: I love pillows! I love to lay down on it. This is my perfect home.
Me: Uh, sure.
Jack: I love pillows! I love to lay down on it. This is my perfect home.
Wha?
I totally forgot how STOOPID pregnancy makes you. Perhaps not everyone experiences this, or perhaps I am just so magnificently intelligent that....yeah, that's not it at all.
The good news is that it's not permanent: pregnancy hormones have been PROVEN to disrupt your normal neural pathways to make space for new parenting thought processes, and while I'm waiting for this child to arrive, my brain is pretty much devoid of anything I was supposed to remember, EVER. I just go to the grocery store every day now instead of once a week because it is physically impossible for me to get every item that I need in just one trip. I've also been to the library twice this week (and I still have an overdue book sitting here in front of me). I am complaining about all of this, because (on Earth day) I want you to know that one day, when we run out of fossil fuels, it will totally be all my fault. Because I forgot to stop driving places. You will find me in Milwaukee with a newborn because I forgot that I was pregnant and already had a home and family.
Also, what did you ask me again??
The good news is that it's not permanent: pregnancy hormones have been PROVEN to disrupt your normal neural pathways to make space for new parenting thought processes, and while I'm waiting for this child to arrive, my brain is pretty much devoid of anything I was supposed to remember, EVER. I just go to the grocery store every day now instead of once a week because it is physically impossible for me to get every item that I need in just one trip. I've also been to the library twice this week (and I still have an overdue book sitting here in front of me). I am complaining about all of this, because (on Earth day) I want you to know that one day, when we run out of fossil fuels, it will totally be all my fault. Because I forgot to stop driving places. You will find me in Milwaukee with a newborn because I forgot that I was pregnant and already had a home and family.
Also, what did you ask me again??
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